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She told me that the experience wasn’t at all what she thought it would be. I thought about going into the restroom and waiting but when I looked up from my phone, he was there. He sat down and didn’t seem nervous at all, and I thought the conversation was good. We arranged a time to meet for drinks after work, went to a bar, then walked along the riverbank and made out. I don’t feel like the rational part of my brain was working that efficiently. But trying to cheat and failing at it is pretty bad, too. I felt more distanced from my husband than I ever had before and also my self-esteem was so low, I couldn’t contemplate leaving.
There was an element of excitement and danger, but alongside that were feelings of loneliness, insecurity, isolation, and shame, the same feelings that made her want to cheat in the first place. After about 30 minutes, he smiled at me, and I thought he was going to ask if maybe we could get coffee again sometime soon, but instead, he kissed me. It’s hard to overstate how intense it feels to be kissed after so many years in a more or less sexless marriage. After that, we decided we’d set a date to get a hotel room. I felt like if I couldn’t even get someone to cheat with me, how would I ever find another person I wanted to have sex with have as a partner.
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